Growing up our Step Mother accused us of lying on more than one occasion. She though us untrustworthy.
She was never right. We never understood why she thought it.
Perhaps she knew something we didn’t? (perhaps it was a DID thing?), we never intentionally lied, we’re not good at it and you can see it plainly in our face, and most of us know it; but those accusations stuck with us, and since then we have felt we needed to prove ourselves when, somehow, we thought people were questioning our honesty.
The most dreadful thing is being thought a liar, when you are telling the truth, because how do you defend that? People will never believe.
And at the end of the day, the week, the month, the lifetime - that’s why we never talked openly to therapists about each other.
Being a liar is the worst thing a person can be.
Look, until you tearfully tell a 6 year old living in your head she cannot, in fact, call Big Bird (and she should be quiet while “you” Tweet); and the hateful teen boy in your head that, yes, he’ll probably have to date a man forever; and the angry cunt(s) in your head that they also have to date the man you’ve chosen to spend your life with; and then have all the regular mental health relationship issues, and relationship issues, with the man you live and spend your life with, plus throw in some cultural differences…
Call us whatever you fucking want, pretty sure one of us can handle it, or find the “block” button if they so choose; but of all things, FEW, if any, of us are stupid.
We’re moving soon. About 26 days or so.
Here we sit on the sofa, in a house not our own. We’ve sat here many nights. A year of nights, at least. The cushion of this sofa is imprinted by our ass. It’s the comfortable home of our ass.
We wonder. Suddenly. What the new house will be like. How it will be for our creative “process”.
Nervous and excited. Painting, writing…all of it. What will it be like?! It’s been a struggle to harness our creatives here…we’ve managed from time to time.
But what will it be like… unencumbered by so much distraction, so much anxiety, so much stress…so much uncertainty.
It seems like with that much freedom…we might just explode.
Maybe we’ve cried too much on Gin…but for awhile now (a couple of weeks, at least), that first few sips of Gin in the evening, have tasted literally bitter-sweet.
We’re not sure what that means…but we love Gin.
Hallucinated a spider running over across our lips last night, as we laid in bed tossing and turning, trying to sleep. We’ve been doing that a lot lately, the tossing and turning.
It’s the second time this year for spider hallucinations. Luckily we’re smart enough…these days…to know when we’re having hallucinations. It’s still unsettling though.
Why does it always have to be spiders.
Wrists hurt, ankles hurt.
Hopefully we’ll be asleep soon. Though, somehow we know we won’t be.
We’ll be asleep before 2013, probably. Hopefully.
Who care about New Years anyway. Change? Change happens when one wants it, nobody can force it. And a calendar date, or special night of drinking, makes change happen.
Our life is slated for change…of some sort. Of many sorts.
Currently…we can’t put into words what we’re feeling, sitting here in bed, beneath covers, fully clothed, tears drying on our cheeks. Feeling of no use.
Happy New Year to you?
Also, who doesn’t love a good stapler.
Our ‘Dream Property’ has a sale pending. We’re waiting for confirmation to hear it cleared, after-all, we were once a “sale pending”.
That asshole agent used us, we know it. May he burn in Hell.
We’re trying to be okay with it, as much as we can…because from here we have no idea what to do, where to go….limbo, lost. Just so…so…fucking lost.
We’re trying not to think about it. James is trying not to think about it.
We applied for more jobs this week, maybe we can make enough to move out of here. Most of the jobs we can easily obtain are around the $7/hr range, and we as we are not comfortable working full time yet…we can only take what we can get.
Full time never works well for us, physically or mentally, and usually throws us into an episode involving medication, diagnoses of mental illness, and worse…we’re not ready for that yet. It’s like dipping your toe into poison, a risk.
But let’s not forget, we are educated and employable…but somehow that never makes a difference, and becomes a balance between sanity and insanity. We can only feign stability so long. Just ask James.
Now, back in the United States, we are at more of a risk of being committed against our will, if we’re not careful. That just makes it scarier.
Lost, floating, and hating everything.
Our agent has been trying to get in contact with the seller agent after he had got angry and told her the deal was off after the bank/seller/asset company rejected our amended offer. She corrected him telling him that there was still a signed agreement between his seller and us, that we had not dissolved the contract, and that he shouldn’t have put the property back on the MLS, which she found out he had done.
It should also be noted that while the property was for sale all summer the property never had a For Sale sign our front, but when we went to have the inspections done on Friday he had put a sign up, after we had signed a purchase agreement.
We called our agent after the inspections, a beat after James told her over speaker phone about the sign, we proudly said “…and then I kicked it over.” It made her laugh, and it made us feel better about the situation.
Over the course of the last couple weeks our agent says he has become increasingly rude and difficult to work with. He’s becoming hard to read. And we’re running out of time.
We’ve been back and forth with her since yesterday afternoon. Today she found out from his broker (boss) that he had gone on vacation! On vacation! He just up and left and is not answering her calls or e-mails! The property is supposed to close on Monday…it won’t…so it defaults to the 25th (Thursday), but we’re still not sure what is going on. It seems that he wants to rip up the agreement and wash his hands with us. We can’t purchase the property at the current price, which he had said when we signed the agreement could be amended after the inspections, and not he is saying no. We feel like they tricked up in order to get free inspections (which cost us $400 in total).
Needless to say this whole experience is causing some stress. Not to mention that they didn’t even fulfill their part of the purchase agreement which was to have both the water running, and propane on site so we could test the furnace. James contacted his immigration lawyer to see if she can recommend a local one in the event this deal continues to slide south and they continue to breech the contract, or try to keep our earnest money ($1000).
We are still, however, holding our resolve, but have been thinking that maybe this property is becoming so difficult to obtain because it’s not the right thing for us…despite having already having waited five months to get to this point, and so we start to entertain the idea of the second property on 20 acres…but it feels…wrong. It makes us even sadder. And we feel exhausted.
We just hope it’s worth the fight. We’re getting tired of fighting for everything.
~ Frank, Cassandra, et al
We don’t always agree on things, us, us, and The Boyfriend (yes, the use of “us” more than once was intentional), but never more so do we agree than on political issues; though there are some disagreements, and we are definitely more political in general than he is - while still some, there’s not a lot for him to be pissed off about regarding his own countries politics.
This, this we agree with. While we may have worded it more delicately, or not…James did a great job. <3
This actually stemmed from the response to one of Frankie’s facebook statuses and was directed at them but since it applies to me too, I thought I’d take a stab at a response. In the end, I felt it was something I’d like to share with others, as I often do with my opinions. So here then, unedited, is my facebook response:
“Libtard”? If you mean belief in the freedom and liberty of people then yes, I’m a “libtard”. If you mean belief of freedom of speech and religion (including freedom not to be religious), free trade (of goods and ideas and in turn, opposed to any restrictions), elections and democracy then yes, I’m a “libtard”. If you mean the belief that all people should be free and to have equal rights (you’ll find a perfect example of such left wing “libtard nonsense” in your beloved “Declaration of Independence”, I suggest you read it) then yes, I’m a “libtard”. If you mean a belief that the “gubnant” should not restrict or take away the rights of its people then yes, I’m a “libtard”. If you mean a belief that personal freedoms shouldn’t restrict the people’s freedom (you (Americans) even went to war with each other over that one) then yes, I’m a “libtard”.
Shame on you. Shame on you.
But I also have socialistic beliefs (beyond all of the above, what with being British and all). I believe that the government (as the people’s elected governors) should be responsible for providing social services e.g. health care and education and in any other respect, doing what it can to help those are less well off (not through any fault of their own, you know, like single parents who find themselves out of work and struggle to find new employment, as one example of many). If you think those are left wing liberal beliefs then yes, I’m a “libtard” (or are you, like many of your ignorant peers, now going to accuse me of being a communist too?). And I must be a “libtard” because I believe that the government, in its duties to its people and its country, needs funding in order to do these things (or in your case, so that it can send its people to fucking war with a country it has no right to or reason to be involved with) and as such can look to its people in the form of taxes. I further believe that the wealthier minority of a country, those that because of its government, its country and its people have allowed them to become so wealthy, should reward that by paying a higher percentage of taxes (though I’d happily settle for equal percentage at this point).
In summary then yes, I must, according to you, be a “libtard” and if this is what makes me a “libtard” then I’d wear that badge with fucking honour.
Your fucking ignorance is astounding, but far from surprising.
[Additional] There will always be those that through either ignorance or arrogance that will insist on a label and insist on bastardising and distort the meanings behind those labels. There are those that believe socialism means communism or that one be-gets the other. There will always be those that will cherry pick the founding ideals of socialism and liberalism in order to either shrug off the hypocrisy of their own beliefs and / or to attack other people. Today, certainly from I’ve seen so far in America, people’s ideas / beliefs of what it means to be a socialist of liberal are too distorted to allow me to place such a label on myself without the need to then describe at great length why or what those those labels mean to me.
I am a liberal if all that I’ve said above makes me one. I’m also a Socialist if all that I’ve said above makes me one. For what it’s worth, I do believe in everything I said above; I do believe that people should have equality and freedom and liberties but I also believe that we need a selected group of people, a government, to ensure that we continue to enjoy such equality, freedoms and liberties and to protect us from those that attempt to take them away from us. I believe that we, the people, have certain rights but I believe an individuals right should not be to the detriment of another person’s or of the peoples. In order to achieve this balance, we, as individuals have to accept that there are restrictions on our actions to protect the freedoms of others.
I know what I am, politically and socially speaking and I know what others label me as. For the most part, whilst they might mean to insult and belittle me, I accept some of those labels because I’m educated and open minded enough to know what those labels truly mean, at least what they used to mean when people first described those terms. To many Americans I am a socialist. I’ll accept that one. To many Americans I’m therefore a communist but that one I will argue I am not whilst I shake my head at their ignorance. And now it seems if [this] person is typical of many (right wing) American people, I’m also a “libtard”.
Call me what you like, my eyes and my mind are open and for as long as they remain so, I’ll continue to believe in everything I’ve said here.
“Meat-head” <- the word is a “dad-ism”…not sure this is what he meant though ;-)
..and now we have a chance to bring our Republican Right-Wing NRA-lovin’ Republican father to a dinner with the Democratic President of the United States (if we win, we’re bringing him) - which was apparently part of the donation. So the donation was even better.
The day Obama got elected we were elated, Canadian friends were with us to witness this amazing historical event. While we were not in America at the time, we knew there would be NO MORE job losses, in general. (And despite the megar gains over the last four years, we are smart enough to recognize there has been no more job deficits). The United States had been losing jobs for years. Now (2008)…a chance for balance. And we are not disappointed to this day.
Not to mention, now, if Obama stays the president, we can get affordable insurance for our back problems, when we move in the next few months. We need affordable medical care, no question, for our pre-existing back condition. It’s too expensive and risky to try to get months before the election…so we painfully wait.
It was only $10, our donation…but it was fucking worth it.
Even if he doesn’t get re-elected, and we can never afford insurance for our pre-existing back issues (deteriorated spin, dessicated disks, protrusions… arthritis…at 33 years of age - from an interstate collision with a semi-truck) [we won’t be able to afford it, it’ll be over $600 a month], we’ll always wish we could have donated more.
And so, finally, today, we donated what we could…for hope for our future. For hope for many others’ future.
Who needs affordable
- public road systems
- public schools
- waste management
- clean water
- safe (mostly) regulated food supplies
- military protection
- fire departments
- law enforcement
- city planning
- environmental protection, ?!
Not a developed country! No way, we’re motherfuckin’ cowboys!
- Stupid fucking morons.
Before we left Canada, where we lived for 7 years, we had our final medical checkups, including a final MRI for our back (http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/09/tonight-mri-guest-blogger-entry.html), to have the most current one we could before coming back to the States. We figured once we got back “home”, we’d never have health insurance anywhere near affordable, for the things we needed it for, because of so many pre-existing conditions.
Under “Obamacare” - The Affordable Healthcare Act, we have a chance.
Just like so many countless people in the United States, a chance to enjoy affordable healthcare, and therefore a healthier and longer future of working.
THAT’S just one reason why the election is so important to us this year, THAT’S why we will vote Democrat this year - so we can stay healthy and productive members of society.
And so other Americans have the same opportunity.
If we were by ourselves, in private, we could release what’s going on inside.
Screaming. Confusion. Hate. Confusion. Anger. Confusion. Anguish. Confusion.
We want to blast music, twirl angrily in circles, scream, throw paint at a wall, stab at pillows with sharp things, curl in a ball and cry.
When that happens inside, all it does is make us cry with pathetic helplessness on the outside.
But that we have to hold in to, otherwise someone might ask what’s wrong. And there are three people in this house with us.
Pain from the inside out, we need to break something, scream, kick, spew it.